Judging?

When I was in my youth, I would go to pubs and clubs and dances, I would sometimes sit with a glass of beer and my friends, looking at other people and making verbal judging about those who make idiots of themselves because they have too much beer, or they are just stupid any way.

It took me 1982 in prison cell to realise that this tendency in me of being critical about the way others act in public then judging, judging all the time judging others.

At the time I never realised that this was stopping me from living a fuller life for myself. For instance, I would think certain kind of dancing was silly, or certain clothes were rediculas, or certain people were idiots, or certain behaviour, or certain talk was stupid.

I suddenly come to realise that my critical eye was not just blackening the way I felt about other human beings, but that by this mind frame of mine I had created my own prison, for how can I judge others, what right do I have if I do not live according to this narrow philosophy, that same philosophy I lay on them like wise I have to lay on myself, how can I be real myself, and good myself if I do not act according to those rules myself, those rules I lay on other people?

When I realised this, and I acted according to this narrow mindedness, I thought on it....Why was it there?

The answer I came to was this.......It was important for me that other people should like me, so if I act in this way, they will like me and if they act in this way according to my rules, then I will like them, make me feel important and them also. It was then I realised all my friendships were built on this silly philosophy, and my friendships built on thois were therefore all false.

How can I change this, I thought and make sure I do not fall into this niche again when I am out and socialising? Then an idea came to me, I would go against all of those rules that I had created for being liked and not being disliked, and those rules I lay on others also for being liked and disliked in fact I would do things to be disliked and show myself up every opportunity I could, I decided I was going to "BREAK" all of those silly peer rules I wanted to stay "FREE".

This was cringe factor; shameing myself etc was the plan so that I may stay away from this other prison of judging good and bad things, good and bad people, good and bad behaviour, liking myself disliking myself by that making my life full of all these boundaries with the outcome of over stepping anyone of them and I would feel really unhappy with myself.

Originally I learned to deny that it was me who was wrong at these times, so defence mechanisms were always running amok, I would blame others, rather than judge myself as I would judge them, I would deny the truth about myself, here I was always going to be lost.

Here is what I done to release me this subjective prison:


When I would go to pubs, sometimes I got drunk, sometimes I didn't it didn't matter I would still act the same with the beer or without the beer self awareness was always working, I would sing, I would dance the most rediculas dances, I would take my cloths off let everyone see what few were allowed in the past, I would do really crazy things like the dance of the flaming arseholes anything that was out rageous and anyhting that I would have great issue of conscience in the past, I would not hurt anyone, though I did break my little finger once when I got up on the floor and began doing certain gymnastic movement called arab flips, I broke the top of my little finger, I still carry the disfigure shape of my finger from that.

I remember once at such a practice that I was carrying out, only known to myself that this was a practice, others had thought I had lost a marble.

We went out and there was a show in a pub we went to, and there was a singer comedian doing his stuff, but we were talking, I think he was getting anoyed with our group, we were distracting him, he spotted me and came over to me with his microphone to sing the next lyric of the song he was singing.

It was really designed so we would shut up and stop the distraction for him, in the past this would of been enough to embarrass me into submission and I would normally refuse, but I was aware of my tendency to shy away from this, he was singing a song one of those sixties songs, can't remember which one, I took the microphone off him, he tried to hold onto it as he only wanted me to sing along, but I took it out of his hand, and began to sing the next lyric, I didn.t know most of the song, but I made up my own words to the tune.

The singer comedian try to take back his microphone, then I turned my back on him and jumped up onto the table, by now the audience was in hysterics laughing, they were not used to this kind of reaction and of course the party I was with were all falling over as I jumped up onto the table singing a sixties songs with my own made up version.

this was something I could not have done in a million years, and it liberated me from that prison.

The next day was always going to be a situation of facing yourself and judgement from others critical eyes, and my own guilt, the usual thing was people would see me after this the next days after and say things along the lines of: :Heyy! Phill "you", I didn't think you were like that.

Normally I would of had embarrassment and try to make excuses, try to avoid anything like this. go out of my way not to meet those people for a long time, but I would use this self awareness, recognise this inside me and turn it around take it on full frontal, and say yes I was acting like a right areshole, why?


This attitude made me free from myself, and I began to enjoy my life in a more enriched way, it did not matter to me anymore about the way other people may think about any of my actions, I was free from their criticism, they were free from my criticism, and the funniest thing, this meant I was able to love people in all ways, no matter what they had done, good or bad or something in between. I learned by giving them freedom from my judgment I had given myself freedom from it also.

This is how we all operate, but we are not all consciously aware of this in the way I had made myself aware, by inwardly observing myself and being totally honest about those observations, and you need to ask prieing questions, like; "I am here in this place supposed to be having fun, why am I not having fun in this life"? Answer: JUDGEING