The problem Of Enlightenment Living Alongside Ignorance

It was April 1983 that I was finally released from Dartmoor Prison, finally those long months had come to an end, and I was now also physically free, but I was soon to find out that being out of prison was more of a prison than the prison I had just walked out of.

My beloved wife Kaye had put together the little money she had from her social security and bought me cloths, all I had when I came out of prison was the cloths that I stood up in, yet I did not feel poor, on the contrary I felt very wealthy, if you were to meet me at that time you would think that you were meeting some one from the royal family.

No money could buy me, and I was uncoruptable, for the enlightenment was still present and strong within me, but I did not realise that in this world and the new life I was to begin that this enlightenment would work against the health and well being of others, here is one of my many stories and one of many reasons why I had to change, and reconsider my position in enlightenment I will relate this one story and hopefully it will reveal something for you.

By this time it was known to my previous enemies that I had been released from prison, of course you have to realise, for me personally they were not enemies, but for them who were still dual in nature they were my enemies and they hated me, I was free of all this all those things were gone outside of my reach, hate anger identifying to personality all gone.

The person who had come out of Dartmoor prison was not the same as the person that went into prison, or to be more accurate a person went into prison and a no person came out of prison, you see if I were to use my own terminology you may not understand so I use yours terms and use my terms together.

Inside of me there was a liberation, I will try to explain what that means exactly, so that no one is in doubt about what liberation truelly is, not liberation that has many different meanings to many different people, this is liberation that I am going to explain and the symptoms of it without any complex words or difficult language to have to translate no flowery talk here ok.

After I had attained the enlightenment a certain inner quality had changed concerning the mind, and relationship with body, for example, before this happened, my mind was "WHO" I was, along with my body and feelings and all the sense's, but during the happening of enlightenment where everything of body and mind and sense's along with time has ceased, I even found on re-entry into the body and senses that the breathing had stopped this would be so for many hours at a time, breath stops crazy but absolutely true.

This was as though the body had died, in fact it is good none of the prison guards came to inspect my body or they may have taken this body to the morgue, that is how it is with the body, of course the mind was one of the things that went first, but still there is "SENSE" of a 'self' when mind has stopped, let me tell you that for a lot of people they believe this to be enlightenment but it is not, I call this phenomena realiseation, one realise's what the nature of mind is, at this point and that it is a non reality, you have all the answers to living and the nature of mind, but you do not have the answer of life and what life truelly you do not have the nature of life as the experience is.

Therefore when the sense of self goes, that is no body, no sense of any self, space and time stop here is the greater liberation and this liberation, I call this liberation totality of liberation, and when one comes back from this non experience and gives thought to the new meaning you have come to, you at this time percieve the experience of this non experience as a great nothingness, yet in this there is completeness this completeness in the nothingness enters all life forms and is the source of life itself and because you are this nothingness and you perceive this new truth, a new kind of reality beyond self that is within you, you become the formless life and in every life form, you see this "YOU" everywhere, no more is there distinction between a you and an I, or a me and a them.

What else this also meant at that time i came back into the world was that I could see why I had created my mind and personality, and I could also see why others had also, now all this was seen as extremely very laughable, laugh laugh lagh how could anyone take this silly self so serious?

All my reason for personality had become futile and the freedom given from this made that inside of my feeling centre was so pure and light that there was a feeling of inner laughter at all the pettiness in life and how people make such nothings so serious, I could see where all thought came from and all the masks that covered inner motivations i could see the behind of the behind of everything.

Therefore this was how the symptom of enlightenment stood with me; there was a liberation of the awareness that was normally centred within the mind before this liberation, this awareness like a ball of energy stood at the back of the mind, it is the definition of total silence yet present, silence in essence, and the true form of our life, this thing is master of the mind only when it has become seperated from mind as it now was, mind and thought no longer taken serious, as I say laughter, laughter, I am not saying I would fall around in laughter 24 hours a day, I am conveying that feeling it gave in the belly and therefore no mind state.

Kayes mother and stepfather were not good people they were bad example to children and grandchildren, Kaye was the odd one out in this family along with her brother Ray, it was if she was a white sheep born into a black sheep family, now it was custom for this family when you have celerbration to drink beer and all kinds of stuff like that, and then the same thing would happen always, beer trouble fights and some one wants to fight but this did not so much come from the younger members it came from those two grand parents.

We avoided trouble at our wedding because we eloped to Gretna Green and did not invite anyone, but due to respect to Kayes aunty and uncle who she loved dearly we set up a small celerbration party, unfortunately there would be trouble inviting her mother and trouble not inviting her, so we went for the trouble inviting due to emotional ties, of course big punch up her step dad wanted to fight me.

You see it started when we spoke of my children and what happened to them when I went to prison, I said that my mother could not have them, because she had tried and been turned down, and if anything happens like this then grandparents are next in line for responsibility, of course I knew I was wrong going to prison in the first place, but two wrongs do not make a right as they say, this was not about my role this was their role and I merely spoke truth, which is one of the consequences of enlightenment, people do not want to hear of the truth if it tarnishes the ego.

That was it, Chris wanted to fight me, he kept on wanted to fight, i said look after he would not let go of this idea, let us go outside and talk about this, but I could see in his eye he had, had enough to drink and he was out to hurt me, he was angry towards me, but in truth he was angry towards his own inadaqacies.

As we stood outside he came towards me with a punch, I blocked this punch because it was natural instinct to me to do this as I had had many fights from boxing and on the street, then another punch and another, he was not skilled in this, but as he punched I would have to move back and block them, then suddenly my back was up to the wall of the house, I could move back no further and suddenly all those years of boxing kicked in like natural instinct, I gave him a quick jab in the face, more to push him back and away, and then Vicky kayes uncle jumped in and it all stopped, that was the end of it for now, we sent them home, her mother was inside the house beginning to start trouble she was also evacuated from the house

We thought that was the end of it, but little did we know that the next morning Chris or Bette had phoned up Chris's son and told him that I had punched him, now Chris was not a capable man he had previously had heart attacks and obviously his son was protective, his son's name was Mike, we had had old score to settle from previous engagements,that is he had old score to settle with me, that was another story you can read in my book "Freedom". He did not like me at all, this was a good excuse for him to act as his heart felt violence toward me.

Mike was not small but he was bigger than me and a lot more heavy, though I did not fear him, but he was a bully boy in nature and thought he could push his weight around.

Now Kaye was six months pregnant with our beautiful daughter Christalou, at the time a few nights had passed since the incident at the celebration then it was kick out time in the pubs, that is in England all the pubs shut at 10.30pm and you get all kinds of things going on in the streets, people get very courageous, we call it Dutch courage, 11pm comes and we get a knock on the door, and who was it who was that at this time of night? I sort of expected it, my brain did not have to work out too hard to figure it out, when the door knocked that time of night it normally means trouble here

I looked through the curtain and could see a car full of people getting out of the car and coming up our path, they had sticks and broken off one of the waste water carriers from the wall of the house this had broken into a hook with a sharp point on it, very lethal, there was Andy that was my ex's husband, Freddy Cook some one who I knew from the past, there was Mike, Jayne and some one who I did not know, now they were all courageous people I had thought, and what a compliment to my old ego that they thought they needed so many to come and put me down and even to be so frightened that they even needed weapons, my old ego would of relished this I thought with a little laughter in my belly.

I was not scared for myself but I was concerned for kaye and the baby that was in her belly, so I phoned the police and kept the door locked and shut tightly, we waited and waited that night for the police, they took hours to turn up eventually after many phone calls both from us any some of the neighbours who was disturb by all the rumpus the police eventually made it when by then most of the trouble had died down, the police cleaned up and the rabble was gone from the front door.

Inside of me I began to recognise there was a situation that was not good, though all this was going on, though Kaye and the unborn child was in danger there was no feeling of aggression that there once was, I tried to call it up, but it was just not there, it would not take it serious, but I knew if I could not act on this then they would be back again they would think I was a coward and scared, it was not that I was a coward or scared, it was that I could not see it seriously, it was just a play that I was detached from, I knew I had to become attached but how?.

The trouble finished Kaye was safe and so was the unborn baby in her belly, but inside of me I knew there was only one thing I could do to stop this happening again, as I knew it would be just a matter of time before they would go to the pub and come back, they had not got their bit of blood from me.

Therefore I considered everything and though I was liberated this was a problem, my liberation was the problem, had the no desire to act, and to force myself to act meant that there were no animal instincts in operation no instinctiveness to act with anger or passion hate and what have you, that is I could not look aggressive when I was really so loving inside, inside it was like I had to kill a cow by beating it to death with a ballon.

There was just no fighting instinct inside me. how could I call this up, I thought to myself maybe if I phone the police they will stop it, but that would not stop them still coming around at in opportune moments, and that night the trouble was here the police was not exactly eager to get here if this was so again maybe I will not be able to protect Kaye and the baby, it was all down to me, it was too dangerous for me not to act, and I had to act aggressively to make sure no harm would come to Kaye and the baby inside of her.

The next morning I had decided I was going to take the battle to their house, I was going to use the element of surprise, but I had to speak to my god in prayer and asked him to help me become convincing to convince myself about the seriousness of this situation, I asked him to take this enlightenment away because I was incapable to act in this world with it, and if I cannot act in this world there is danger for those around me who are here to live out their life and do what they are here to do, I kept saying this prayer like a mantra as I travelled to the house they were all in.

That morning I got up at the crack of dawn, I knocked on their door, The door opened, and behind the door stood Jayne, she looked at me with surprise, she did not expect to see me there, Jayne was my ex wife and mother of my two sons, and sister to Mike, I said, where is Mike I would like to see him?

She said he is still in bed, I could hear some talk inside the front room I knew the other people were still there, they had stayed over night, then i thought "no" to myself, "you have to do what you have to do".

I walked into the house up the stairs opened the door where the stink of alcohol came from the most, and there he was lieing in bed, I dragged the fat bastard out of his bed, for some one so heavy he seem to move easily down those stairs and then onto the lawn, with the help of me dragging him by his hair and his loss of balance made it so easy, you could hear him shouting out to the other guys who were in the house but for some reason non of them wanted to come outside and help him I was glad about this because I had sustained an injury in the shoulder some time before this in another incident before I went into prison I damaged my shoulder which ened my carreer as a boxer I could only therefore use one arm properly to fight with, now I am game for a good fight and say I am worth ten good men hahaha that is my Greek arrogance but I was at a disadvantage but you do not show your enemy your weakness.

I had learned in boxing I got him on the green grassed lawn outside, and then I kicked ten bells of shit into him, he screamed like a little boy for help on the front lawn all the neighbours were there watching it was like being in an arena in one of Rowners estates notorious for drugs and all kinds of criminal activity, I remeber that morning when I came back I walked past Kayes mother and step dads house and Chris was standing at his front door, I said to him I have just kicked ten bells of shit out of your son, did he deserve that for your lies?

After this I knew, to live in this society one cannot turn the other cheek because what that amounts to is you turn the other cheek and you will not only get punched to the floor and knifed in the back, but they will also rape your family and kill your children, ok ok hahaha! I have exagerated but that is where it will go to if you do not stand up for yourself, once the fight had began and the first few punches were thrown it felt like what I was saying; that inside me; I had to beat a cow to death with only a rubber balloon, I managed to do it, and came to realise that this kind of enlightenment is not ready for this kind of society, and ever since then I have been investigating ways to stay as close as possible to the higher self, but it has not been easy to work out over all of these years, I have had to allow myself to become blind, though it is still with me I carry it blindly and know what has to be done to go back to it, therefore what job have I come to do? I stand at heavens gate showing the way but I cannot enter yet.

I have come full heart to battle with this darkness so that I can have that liberation again, this can only happen when others are liberated then they will know me and I will know them as one and the same.

I have dedicated to my beloved friend Aashan Sajan GuruKal who inspired me to write this piece

LOVE TRUTH PEACE COMPASSION FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOM
Ozay Rinpoche